Being an authentic asshole

When the new colleague told me a couple of days ago that she lived for a year in a residence for the homeless after just coming out of bankruptcy; finally landed a measly job with us that allows her to rent a flat; after she told me how sparsely her flat is furnished and how she’s missing everything and can’t buy much because she doesn’t earn much (although she makes more than me, because she’s full-time and I’m part-time), I zoned out for a second. And I promptly told her “Hold on, I’m figuring out what I have at home that I could give you…

But as you might’ve noticed by some of my blog entries, I’m bitchy. And I can be an asshole. And sometimes, I feel like being an asshole is the more authentic me. Don’t get me wrong, thinking of how to help someone that has in any way something in common with me is something that comes to me very naturally and sometimes even baffles people around me – I guess not all impulsivity is bad – but I do realize that I write people off quite easily while I’m more than willing to accept and disregard stuff from very close friends and a couple of family members (but like… not even ALL family members)

Most people will say, this is my low self-esteem speaking out, but I always felt like bad self-esteem was putting yourself down in an unrealistic fashion. People will almost yell when I cook dinner and say “dang it, I’ve done this better before” like it’s something awful to imply that I’m such a badass, I’m able to cook that awesome meal EVEN better – the people accusing me of being negative are actually focusing on the negative part of my comment, har! But I do feel that if you’re an asshole to others once in a while, there’s nothing wrong with being an asshole to yourself once in a while, because anything else would be hypocrisy. And you know, sorry but I can’t be a hypocrite, I got my hands full being an asshole and whatnot.