Acting Goldilocks with people

When people hear about ADD/ADHD, they immediately think about nervous people who have to keep moving and can’t focus, but I got my ADD diagnosis from a psychiatrist after I explained him about my short-temper with people. Most people are annoyed when someone is rude, but they don’t feel a jolt of adrenaline and the inability to stop thinking about what a f***ing moron that rude person was. For hours. The rest of the day even.

I thought I was immune to blurting things out (another symptom), but I’m not, I just don’t blurt out loud. When a stranger acts rude on the street, my head goes “You asshole!” but I pause and firmly say “What do you want from me?”. And then I go to friends and family and can’t stop venting. The problem is when a friend or a family member does something annoying and I vent about it to other family members and friends. It’s bad manners, right? I know it is, and you know it is. It’s a work in progress.

But I’m a good friend and the thing all my friends and family have in common is: they know I talk a lot of shit about people I love when I’m upset. They’re good at reading between the lines and know this isn’t something that afects them or our relationship. When I read about how ADD patients have difficulty maintaining relationships in and outside of family and read about common friend reactions, I thought “Sheesh! Who are these morons? I truly am blessed.”

Yesterday, a friend of mine (fresh friendship) called on my behaviour of dissing people I openly call good friends. It made her wonder, which is legit. I cried and apologized. Explained why it’s this way and that I’m working on it. No one has to live with someone who vents like me and those who don’t want to are pretty good at avoiding me, and that’s fine. But she decided it was better to tell me how much I hurt her (WTF?) and how that thing I said made her feel used (Used? Seriously?) and I did something I hate: I explained her word by word why and how she had misunderstood me, qed. She got it, but it took me a lot of time and effort – you know, turning “asshole” into “what do you want”.

Today I woke up still rather upset. I feel kind of violated. I feel like this friendship forced me to act like someone who I’m not. And while I’m more than willing to do this in society – almost everyone has a face for society and another in private – I’m not willing to do it with close friends. She put her need to feel reassured over, well… everything. I don’t like people who are too agressive. But I also don’t like people who are supposedly so fragile that they badger me into walking on eggshells around them. I’m kind of Goldilocks with people.

Is that bad?

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